Well, it's only 2 days until Christmas and I can't help wondering what mum would be doing right now if she was here. Somehow I have to get my head around the fact that she isn't here but I'm in a constant dream state of surreality (!) and have been for over 2 years. Thinking about her at Christmas time, even when I really really try doesn't bring that much to mind. There's some kind of blockage there but how do I move it?
When mum died I thought I could just carry on with my life as usual, pick up from where I left off before she was ill, not out of disrespect for her but simply because it was easier not to think about the situation and therefore not confront any pain. Of course denial is a natural part of all grieving, but more than 2 years of this has not been a great idea for me. However, something in me obviously knew I couldn't deal with the pain right away and has allowed me to wait until I am ready.
I love this photo because it says everything about how I felt about mum. And although, ok, yes I probably am looking adoringly at my new born sister, I know I'm looking at mum too thinking how great she is.
The way I think about my future, every present moment and even my past has to change. The past in particular is a source of great sadness to me at the moment as it contains regrets, memories that can never be repeated as well as unrealistic representations of a person that I must dispel.
I think one of the hardest things for me has been to understand what I'm supposed to do while I'm grieving. I mean how does someone actually grieve? No one teaches you how to do it yet it seems to be a thing that people 'do'. Well, it seems that both my mind and body are telling me it's time to start doing this illusive thing we call grieving, so here goes...